My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
