I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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