When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
