Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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