One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
