I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
