I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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