Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
