He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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