well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
