the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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