She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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