nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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