Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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