Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
