Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
