So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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