Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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