Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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