Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
