whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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