I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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