i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
