Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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