Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
