it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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