If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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