Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
