just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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