I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We have so much sex to catch up on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
