a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
