The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
