You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
