I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
