So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
