I puked a lego.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
