Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
