good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
