the condom got lost in my hair
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize