textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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