HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
