I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dicks are not precious.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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