oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
