cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
