i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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