someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
