I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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