R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize