Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He passed out mid-signature
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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