final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
someone owes me an orgasm
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
