let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Terrible idea I love it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
