We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
