I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
