Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
