Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
