The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
